And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
