Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
