i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
