The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
