Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
