i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
