Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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