I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
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You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
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You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.