i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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