I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
