good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
