I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
