good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
