There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
