Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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