You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
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Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
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He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too