I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
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my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Someone shattered a urinal.
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Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"