I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i think my cat just said my name.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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