There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.