dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
