I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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