my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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