the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
