I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
