it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
