You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
