Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is my gift to your gina
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
