The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
