Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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