Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
