you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
