It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
