I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
