im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
