I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
