I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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