What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
