My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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