Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
