she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I currently don't understand fingers.
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