Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
