He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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