i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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