Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
