When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
