Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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