My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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