He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
