Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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