i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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