I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
