I faked an abortion last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
