Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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