it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
