what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
