Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
