just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
