i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
