youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night