His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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