Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
