Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
